[NHuntParticipant]

Juts wanted to say that as a female you are far better positioned to help than we are. Thanks for your support in changing this terrible law.

As a grandparent: you are also able to file with the court too, just saying.

There is an enormous amount of guidance about getting started with court and mediation is the first step – I hope there is no allegations of Domestic Violence! You do not need a solicitor and the court fee is about £200 at last look.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

Check out this link and get started. Court is not always the best option but may be all you have right now… and remember, both of you can do it!

We are here to help – and thank you for your future support to change these laws.

[NHuntParticipant]

Viresh,

You are very right about the horrible system. Fathers are second class citizens.

I Suggest you make a serious complaint against CAFCASS through their policy and ask the judge to speak to the kids directly. Suggest there are serious reasons for your kids to see more of you.

Fact Finding is a very unpleasant event and the judge needs more information prior to any determination. Push this!!!!!!!!

good luck! I feel you are close!

[NHuntParticipant]

Hey,
Now this is interesting. Just curious what area you live in as it sounds very similar to many experiences in Lincoln.

Your son is old enough to speak to the judge directly and tell them the truth. I would do a couple things if you wanted to play hardball.
1. Make a serious complaint about your CAFCASS case worker (with evidence from your son) – wishes and feelings of your child have not been taken into account. DONT mention your personal feelings for the mother – ever!
2. Call social services with evidence from your son saying the mother is harmful. Again, this is your son’s evidence and not your personal feeling.
3. Write a letter of concern to the judge saying there is new evidence (create some) to say the children are in danger and they need to speak with your son directly and without CAFCASS intervention. The judge makes the final decision.
4. Contact the NSPCC and report your ex for abuse – give examples and evidence of where the professionals have agreed there is violence with any relevant info from your son (texts, emails video???). Stick to physical violence as the emotional violence is expected from mothers and wont even hit their radar. Society assumes that mum can and will be as vindictive as possible, not a luxury fathers have.
5. (Wish list and please do not push your son to do this but…) If your son calls the police or NSPCC against your mother at the time of violence – then your son would be within his right to leave her house and live with you. Wishes and feelings of the child is the most important thing!!! 14 is the age of consent actually – so in real terms your son could just walk away and live with you then.

If CAFCASS have ignored your child’s wishes and feelings, then the law has been broken!

good luck – and this is just my opinion.

P.S. as soon as your son moves in with you – contact the CMS and stop all payments to her. You could also start a case against her to maintenance.

[NHuntParticipant]

I suggest applying and for the tax credit and having your name as the financial Parent on record. The CMS is part of the Department of Works and Pensions so they use financial information as evidence. If you are the parent with care in regards to tax, then you are the assumed to be the receiving parent within the CMS scheme (or resident parent within the CSA’s old scheme).
Your wife can only register with the CMS if you are separated and the children live with her. But, she would have to get around the legality of you being the owner of the tax credit. Legally only one person can have the tax credit and it would be you.
99% of tax credit is held by the mother – another part of the system that is sexist. Honestly, if you pay maintenance then you should be entitled to tax credit.

About the children: it is a grey area with the children. Socially, it is more than acceptable for the mother to either throw you out(leaving the kids with her) or move out with the kids (leaving you at the home alone) but the father would need a very good reason to either evict her or to leave with the kids. She can do a number of things to get rid of you that would be hard to stop. You ex does not appear to be vindictive – but you should consider the worst as possible. My ex accused me of violence, called the police and forced me from the home. Not much I could do… I fought the allegations and won, but by that time I was already NOT living with the kids and the CMS has set in with out visitation. I was forced to start family court and the hell that comes with that. If she leaves with the kids you are in a tough spot. There is no answer to this situation other than lets hope that doesn’t happen. But, she cannot leave the country as the children reside in the UK and it is possible a criminal offence to do so (many factors with this and the law isn’t written in stone, no matter what anyone tells you). But, she can freely move about the country with them – and you can too (remembering that a good reason will help your chances of not facing prosecution). The law is sexist, is what I am trying to say.

Prohibited Steps Order: If she wants to leave the country she will fill in the same form (c100) as a Special Issue Order and ask for a hearing to discuss. Mediation is the first step for any c100 application. So, this would be your first port of call – she will know this too. But, if there has been domestic violence (even if there hasn’t but she says there was) mediation might be waved. This is another slimy and sexist way to deceive the father of the right to mediation. The first hearing will be a First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment (FHDRA) and you will have the chance to protest. You have a much better chance of winning if you live with the kids and are the receiving/resident parent !!!! A PSO is an order you start if you think she is about to leave. This may sound odd – but many mother just take off and there is little you can really do once they are gone. Many mothers claim abuse or violence and the police or courts don’t want to help you.

Protecting yourself: Sadly, there is not much you can do other fight a good fight when the problem arises.

It is assumed that the mother is the resident parent unless you inform the court and CMS otherwise. The tax credit is ipso facto way to get on the books as the parent – once the CMS get involved then they request DWP info and it will show you as the parent. If the kids live with the mum (and without you) then it is a matter of time before she reverses the tax credit to her name and the CMS can do this. But, having you on the books as the receiving parent could make her leaving with the kids more of an offence because you are already proven to be the carer. I do not know of another way of informing the DWP other than living alone with the kids and applying for child maintenance from the mum.

Keep the faith and I hope you solve this amicably. Also, never let your kids see you unhappy… remember to smile and DONT let them think this is there fault.

good luck! and let me know if you need any more advice. btw, this is just my opinion and anything can happen in our horrific, secret, unaccountable and father hating family court system.

[NHuntParticipant]

Dude, get a hold of yourself.
The landlord knows you are not in the property and are therefore not liable for the rent. Get yourself off of the lease ASAP and save your money for the CMS. the landlord would have to take you to court to get the cash from you, and knows that they would get nothing because they are aware that you CANNOT live there. Leases are only valid if there are not other circumstances – speak to the landlord.

When you get to court, not much of this will matter actually – stay focussed on the kids and what is most important. Divorce court is “no Blame” and family court is all about the resident parent and keeping the kids away from confrontation, even if it means you never see them again.
Also,
You do not have to do mediation if there was domestic violence in the relationship. I once got out of it because I was able to show evidence that my ex smashed me with a wine glass years before. I went straight to court. But, this is your call and depends on how much available cash you have and whether mediation will help or of stirring the pot so early is advantageous.

Keep the faith and try to take some control if you can. Also be mindful of the kids and remember to smile when you see them!!!!

[NHuntParticipant]

Ok, wow – you sound worried. I hope its not that bad for you. I am so pleased to hear that she understands the need for a father…
It is a very tough situation when you are not separated to know what to do. All of my experience is with separation but I will try to explain what might happen.

https://www.gov.uk/child-tax-credit/responsibility-for-child

You are entitled to tax credits no matter what your financial status. Even footballer and Prime Ministers get the credits and there is an easy online form to get it. You may not get any benefit but it will register you as the resident parent with the DWP and CMS. This WILL matter later if she takes off with the child. #kidnapping

There is also something called a Prohibited Steps Order (c100 form) that can block her from going anywhere with your child. But if you are the resident parent, hold the tax credits (essentially stopping her from collecting Child Maintenance) and have a parenting agreement then she would be breaking the law going anywhere.

Don’t just assume that she will have custody if you split. Protect yourself a bit – and don’t leave the house because she says so. Possession is the law. If you live with the child and have the DWP assuming you are the parent, then you are the parent. Sadly, the system only allows ONE person to be the parent. So be that parent when it comes to break-up time.

Hope this helps.

[NHuntParticipant]

Ok there is a lot here:
1. you do not need to do anything to represent yourself other than submit the C100 form and start mediation. There is plenty of stuff about this on the forum.
2. CMS does NOT take rent into account – this is NOT maintenance by their reckoning. If she has contacted the CMS then they will be in contact with you soon – this is a sticky issue and you need to be careful. She may say that the rent money and other money was not for the kids, which means you will have to pay it again. You ONLY owe money from the time she starts the CMS case and not before, don’t let her swindle you.
3. Court orders: if you have not been to court then there is NO order. Normally the person without residency files with the court for access. Not sure why she would start court preceding’s other than to get a Non-Mol Order against you. but it does not sound like this has happened.
4. The home: Alert the landlord that she has thrown you out and you CANNOT reside there so you will no longer be liable for the rent and ask to be taken off any lease. The law says that if you cannot live somewhere then you are not liable for any arrears. the landlord may ask for proof – in which case you either give them one of the letters from your ex, court documents or divorce documents. This is pretty straight forward.
5. Being reasonable: the court will not give a shit if you are being reasonable. if you show that you can pay the rent and CMS while not having visitation, then this may become the default setting when you get to court.

My opinion: Take control. Don’t give her any money until instructed by the CMS (and try and claim back anything you have paid – keeping in mind it only takes affect when she started the case). File the C100 after mediation attempts and focus on the what is best for the kids.

Don’t ever get angry and ALWAYS smile and be happy when you are with your kids – they will remember you for being a good person.

[NHuntParticipant]

There is no right to appeal – as such, but if there are other issue the judge needs to know about then you should tell them!!!!

keep in mind that anything you tell the judge the other side will know about.

[NHuntParticipant]

Ramyras,

Everything you say is true – but how!

Politicians are scared of the status quo and they have not made the link to the pay gender gap and fatherless homes contributing to criminal behaviour. Society still assumes that the father doesn’t care and his money should make things better.

Also, Parental Alienation is major issue too!!! this system breeds it.

[NHuntParticipant]

Hey,

don’t assume that you have to start the custody battle. If the kids live with you then – she has to start it.

Also, get the tax credits in your name asap!! Legally the one claims gets the benefits.

So happy to hear you don’t have a psycho allegation throwing wife!!! But one day she may wonder why other ex wives have made out like bandits while she is out in the cold. Just be careful!!

[NHuntParticipant]

No, that is not actually what that means. You have Parental Reasonability which means you are entitled to Doctor and School info, but all visitation is determined in Family Court.
The issue here is: Family court starts with your agreement and if you cant agree then they tend to use the default position of what ever the mother wants. You work up from there…
Now, that being said, there is very little punishment for mothers that break the court order – but huge issues if you don’t abide by it.
Don’t kid yourself – this is a one sided system that is in her favour. no matter what anyone else tells you – especially solicitors or Judges.

[NHuntParticipant]

Orbita,

Which of you is actually the resident parent? Who gets the child tax credit? If you truly have a 50/50 shared parenting arrangement then neither is paying the other any child support. Is this the case?

If so, then she would need to apply to the court prior to any move. But, if she is the resident parent, she would legally still need to apply but, could just leave and deal with it once she go there.

I feel that you are in a pretty good situation actually as you ex seems like a fairly normal person who want what’s best for the child. Sweden is not that far away for her to make regular visits while the child is safe at home in London.

Compared to may others highlighted on this site – it sounds like you have a pretty good deal. And I respect your current wife for taking such an unpopular but reasonable stance on shared parenting. It is the women like her who can help us all!

[NHuntParticipant]

Max,

She can just refuse access when ever she feels like it – so be careful. A solicitor will happily tell you she cant – while taking your money to fight it over and over and over again.
Also, be careful with a solicitor “accidently” omitting things from the order so you have instruct them to act again.

I suggest acting in person and being in control of it yourself. But you know best.

[NHuntParticipant]

Hey,
don’t admit to anything – you drive of a living, therefor you are a model citizen. A broken door means nothing other than you and your ex are a bad match.
Only focus on what could actually hurt the children…

And I am not sure why you are paying any of the rent if you don’t live there??? this is your wild card, use it.

[NHuntParticipant]

Marbles,

Nice to the point letter.
I assume her letter just states that she is proceeding with the divorce. and nothing about the kids?

Keep in mind, that the UK is a No Fault country and the reason for divorce will make zero difference to the financials or the kids. What I mean is: the Yorkshire Ripper was still entitled to visitation and half the house (weirdly, his ex wife still lives in their Bradford House).

It’s a good strong letter with your intentions. At this stage don’t worry about too much evidence… but don’t make too much shit up either. Each letter your write costs her money, so no need to give them all the info with one hit. Drip feed the details.

Keep the faith and hang in there.

[Author]

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